19/21: (Monday) Today marks 19 days along the journey of the three weeks where the crack in everything beckons a polishing the luminal darkness of this time. Yearning emerges for finding a lost connection to divine presence amidst apparent absence that becomes more refined with suffering. Such contemplation of this absent presence is expressed here Benjamin Shevili’s recent collection, Poems to Yova (2022):

What I’ve found I search for
in the pocket of the mind in the switch
of the heart what there was that I had I
lose at the symposium table
in the chair of suffering upon that which
I wanted I’d renounce for YoVA
when I became aware as a blind one
I remained here with a fading mind
the time passes over it & the feeling is leaking

Questions for self-reflection:

1. If whenever I feel that I’ve found what I’m searching for leads me to a deeper sense of loss, then what does this teach me about the search itself as the destination?
2. How does suffering refine my heart-mind and insight in ways that time and feeling may not?